Posted on 2015.02.12 at 23:37
Current Mood: tired
Well, I had an appointment with my regular doctor, but she has left the area, so I saw her substitute. And she seems both super nice and super thorough. She took a lot of time looking over my file with me, alerted me to things my previous doctor hadn't even brought up, and got to work addressing them (my cholesterol has shot up, for example). I got around 13 vials of blood taken to test for lots of stuff.
And she even said I was sweet and gave me a hug at the end of the appointment. :3
I guess I'm a sucker for hugs, so I'll keep her for now and see how things go.
On another note, I made a new AMV, this one's all grim and dark, about robot abuse turning into robot rebellion, and all-out war against humans.
I've received a couple assurances that it's good, but I still don't feel quite satisfied with it. I don't know if it's because I'm in a slump or what.
I really don't know if this Welbutrin is working out. Once in a great while I have a burst of happiness, but otherwise I just feel sad and impatient. I thought the other emotions would follow, but it's been 2 or 3 months now, so I'll probably have to ditch it for something else. My options are severely limited though, with my liver count still up. I can't take lots of potentially good ones in this state.
Come on, me. Unslump!
Posted on 2015.01.20 at 04:32
Current Mood: lethargic
I'm still amazed someone remembered me when I made an accidental post here, heh... That makes me happy. Though once again I don't think I made that obvious enough.
My depression has been severe for so long, and only just now have I found a medicine that is beginning to help... but the first emotion it's restoring to me seems to be sadness, so I gotta ride it out.
I've also been struck bedridden for the past several years. I've been diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis, but I still strongly suspect I have Fibromyalia instead. But good luck finding a doctor who believes in it existing around here. Either way, I'm a case of extreme fatigue; it debilitates me far worse than the joint pain. I just don't have the strength to do anything except make a few trips to the bathroom or the kitchen. I'm too stubborn to beg my brother-in-law or sister (who I live with) to cook for me, so I exhaust myself doing so each day, leaving no energy for anything else like showering or exercising to lose the inevitable weight-gain.
I've been taking part in physical therapy for the past couple months at least, but had to stop today because they pushed me too hard, striking me unable to do anything more. I have a threshold of physical activity where, if I cross it, I go from at least being able to sit up for a few hours at the computer, to completely flat on my back for weeks or even months. I'm at that low point again. It sucks.
So that's why I haven't been around. I'm still alive, but not really kicking. Just sort of wiggling a limb pitifully. :P
It's especially difficult now for me to see value in my life. But I've still managed to do a few creative things here and there, like this trailer I animated for a Minecraft drama series. All the artwork is mine, I'm pretty proud of it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Thak_jS-9Oc
And I've been doing Let's Plays of video games (so far mostly Minecraft and Plants vs Zombies, hopefully others in the future) on this other channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/zacloudgaming
And still making AMVs (Anime Music Videos) on this channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/xzacloudx
I won't give up. Somehow, I'll make something of what little life I have left. Thank you, to any who actually seemed happy to see me. I was too weak to respond properly, and this fog around my mind is still too thick for me to always say/do the right things.
Posted on 2014.03.09 at 16:33
You just can't get much more Hetalia than personified nations representing historical happenings!http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vu14a
This Bar Fight Is Hetalia!
Posted on 2010.07.13 at 10:05
Current Mood: pleased
I rarely ever have a "fandom dream" (heh, coincidental homonym for "Phantom Dream", very good little manga series), but I just did a bit ago. And I've had a very hard time making mental connections lately, but this might be a sign of ever-so-slight repair maybe...
It was a complex dream, and had I gotten up to write it down right away, maybe I could have remembered more of it, but this time I wanted to go back to sleep since I only had 4 hours of it this time (hope I can, but I had to use the bathroom so that sullied my effort).( "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood" reference; spoilersCollapse )
I seriously have no idea where that came from, lol! But I felt proud of myself for thinking of that only the moment I woke up. Maybe my mind might start working on its deeper levels again after all? I guess we'll see. I sure do hope so, it's been so many years since it's consistently been able to.
I took the time to memorize that, and only that, so I could try to go back to sleep, but yeah, then had to pee, so nuts to my re-sleep attempt unless I'm successful again in a few minutes.
Just had to squee about that. ^_^;; OK! Back to bed! Which has been amazing in that before this night, I had four nights in a row of 8 hours! Here's hoping I can keep that up more regularly now! A great step toward true functionality! :D
EDIT: Well, I did go back to sleep for another three or four hours, so yay! But now I don't have much time for work! AAAAH!!! *hustles*
Posted on 2010.07.08 at 03:46
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Becca - I'm Alive! (my personal anthem)
Well, things just got even more figured out. ^_^ Resolved things with one previously-in-limbo friend, and things seem (hopefully) good now! I don't want to assume too much... but we had a great conversation so on my end I can definitely say things are looking up. :3
Tomorrow's gonna be a very heavy work-day, so I hope I can get sleepy soon. Getting close to 4 a.m. here, and I've got tons to dooo! But I'm all social-happy and addicted to FMA:Brotherhood now... and not sleepy! Soon I hope, soon...
Today I'd taken a break, and it was nice, even if slightly wasteful since the whole time I was thinking "I need to go work... I should go work... I wish I had the energy to go work..." So... tomorrow I'll have to work whether I feel that way again or not. ^_^;; And whether I sleep good or not...
Come on me! Get sleepy!
But I'm too cheerful right now. ^_^;;
Posted on 2010.07.06 at 19:12
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Sukima Switch - Golden Time Lover
Well, long story short, I ended up letting almost everyone go. I talked to them all a lot, but they all re-hurt me with criticisms, demands, and just plain making it clear that they were not only not-sorry, but did not want to make up for any of the suffering they caused me. How could they, if the former didn't even apply? They did the equivalent of standing there watching me cry and beg for help, without giving it, then expected me to just be normal and okay. In fact, a few of them seemed to feel justified in their behavior, seeing it as punishment for the mistakes I'd made in the past with my lack of social experience.
Being punished for being punished, in other words. How dare I be subjected to misery I want to rise above that causes me to be miserable, and causes others discomfort, which constantly fills me with guilt and regret?
This is exactly why I need friends who will stick with me, who will weather my mistakes and help me change for the better. How can I get better if nobody will let me learn? How will I learn without experience? How can I have experience with friends if I don't have any around?
Fortunately, a few seem willing to try...
-One, whom I've barely met at all, who was at least willing to let me call him, even though I didn't because, well, we barely met at all. I'd rather not trouble him without having more happy times first.
-One, who seems to want to talk to me even though I'm imperfect, even if he does hurt me on what's become a regular basis and has commitment trouble to overcome (I'll consider him a "buddy" for the time being, and see if it returns to "friendship" someday. He's now aware of what he's been doing and is trying sincerely to improve).
-Two, who didn't know about the tragedy until later, so I have to just assume that they would have called me if they had known...
.*One of them has definitely done the best he can, and is a true friend, doing so much for me and keeping in touch. I hope he doesn't feel guilty; the delay wasn't his fault and I've tried to emphasize that to him.
The other is in limbo; I'm awaiting his permission (yeah...) to apologize to him for a written/verbal-type mistake in the past... Maybe he wants to punish me with prolonged misery so I can keep wallowing in my guilt? Or what? I dunno... Resolved, see next post! ...Geez I was such a pessimist, he just forgot. -.-;;
-One, who has already reconciled with me and has spent actual, real time with me three times in a month now. She's pretty much saved my life with that. I... can say that honestly.
~There's one unknown, I've re-added him on Facebook, who knew but has left me in the cold, but others have claimed that he's just not expressive online as a rule. So... I dunno. I'd probably have to talk to him face-to-face about this, but I don't see myself going up there anytime soon... and the issue would be cold by then anyway... I dunno...
Then there's the WCRPG folks of course. And family. So at least I'm not all the way alone. I'm more sorted out, I've shed those who clearly don't want me around, I'm finally starting to heal. Just waiting for those few niggling uncertainties to work out.
Meanwhile I got a little sun on one of the few lower-80s days we've had (though I still had to take a break in the middle to douse myself in water to stave off heat-exhaustion, phew was I dizzy and sick!), have started exercising a little, have gotten out more thanks to my female friend, and me n the kyoudai got the house mostly-clean. I'm even able to sleep 5-6 hours a night now! (Way better than the 4 hours in the morning or at random-times that it was getting to be for a while)
So I'm on my way to at least functioning normally again. Not to being great, good, or even okay just yet... but functioning normally, here I come! It's the first step.
Posted on 2010.05.31 at 04:25
Current Location: Shared two-story house with kyoudai
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: I Mother Earth - Passenger
I kept my cell phone on me, hoping it would ring, that one of my friends would check on me. I was too weak to call them myself; I needed someone to reach out to me because I was sinking and just so weak. And I wouldn't be able to take it if I was opening my heart enough to try only for them to say “I can't talk right now, I'm working” or to wake them from sleep leaving them confused. I wasn't sure what their schedules were. So I knew someone would call me soon, to check on me, to make sure I was alright and let me know they were truly there for me. All I needed to do was wait and keep working and trying to help the family.
So many were reaching out to my Mom, having come from hours and hours away. Even my anti-social younger brother had his friends over or was often at their place. My sister and her boyfriend clung to each other, it being even his loss because Dad had truly considered him a son... Me, I had my cell phone, always in my pocket, or on my desk, or even clung in both hands to my chest... ever silent.
I finally had to talk to SOMEBODY... Nobody was on Yahoo Messenger, so I tried mIRC, and entered the channel with my Wing Commander RPG buddies. I'd only ever felt truly close to a couple of them, even though I cared about them all... I rarely had time or occasion to just small-talk with them as I used to with my usual group, so I hadn't gotten to forge the same close kind of bond with most of them... But, I got such unexpectedly understanding, tender care from them, unexpected individuals as well as expected (even though I also got far less of such from the person I had thought would try to help the most...). Ones who weren't there at the time still had offered sentiments which had already meant the world to me.
They all said exactly the words I needed to hear. They encouraged me to talk, to say the things that finally helped me crack open the shell that had formed around me. They comforted, they gave advice, they talked and listened, they related. I finally was able to cry. I so badly needed a hug, but I know they would have if they could have. They did more for my heart and soul, though, than anyone else had, and still has. They got me to think about his life, to feel his presence still around me as it truly was, and they made me feel cared about.
I know my family cares deeply, and I for them. But it is that unconditional care. Beautiful and irreplaceable in its own way. But... in the worst time of my life, I needed to know that there were people who were willing to feel my pain, to not run away, and to sincerely want to be there for me and help me, out of their own free will. They literally saved me. The pressure left my heart, and I could now cry when I needed to. Even though once again text was all I had... These wonderful people are on different ends of the earth.
I had to drive for hundreds of miles on Monday, to do my work, and missed an hour of Dad's showing at the funeral home. I hadn't even gotten to mentally prepare to see him one more time, looking as if he were merely sleeping, surrounded by people I hadn't seen in years or only had heard about. Unexpected people, including the woman who had bought our old house in Carlisle. Even she had cared enough to come despite only knowing us all so little. It was so touching, to see people who owed my family nothing, yet had still come to pay respects, from far and wide.
Our boss finally called Mom, at the funeral, giving excuses as to her lack of contact. She had been moving, without telling us, to another state, and her computer didn't work right, bla bla bla. Mom had to eventually interrupt and say “I'm sorry, I have to go, I'm at the funeral home.”
We were continually left hanging, jobs weren't assigned right, and we got more and more new jobs piled on us constantly. We were told they HAD to be done on time because these were new clients that could be lost if they weren't impressed. After a few days with her friends over for support before they had to go, Mom flung herself into it eagerly; she wanted to keep busy, distracted, out of the now all-too-quiet and empty house. But me, I needed time, I needed to think, to feel, to adjust to not having Dad around physically anymore... but I didn't have this time. I had to pile more exhaustion upon my exhaustion and exhaustion, and work.
I kept being slow, distracted. Remembering Dad, hiding my tears against store shelves. Thinking of Mom's agony and crying for her. My sister, my brother, everyone, crying for them. Seeing foods I would have wanted Dad to taste, holding the item and having to remind myself he couldn't. Reaching to buy something I know he loved but then stopping myself.
And the other distraction... why my phone remained silent. Not even a text message, let alone a ring and a human voice. I needed so badly to be held, or at least, at VERY least talked to by a voice of someone who cared... That need burned and ached and throbbed in my chest again. Hollow and agonizing. I felt desperate. I felt... abandoned.
I had not spent anywhere near so much casual, or deep, time with the WCRPG folks, as I had with the Wisconsin gang and my friend since like first or second grade, who only lived less than two hours away (Though she wouldn't let me visit, and hasn't had time to do so herself)... I had spent at least some actual time with all of them, having traveled 11 or 12 hours each way to see them... As I'd typed earlier, they were my big goal in life, they were the center of my existence... and they didn't care enough to call.
I would have called them immediately if they'd had something like this happen... Hell, I would have dropped everything and drove up there to be with them. I would have run through a battlefield for them or leaped between them and a gunman to take a bullet for them.
They wouldn't even press buttons on a phone for me.
This pain was slowing me down afresh, compounding the already existing agony, amplifying it, burying it at times. It made me feel selfish; why should I worry about myself when my Dad was dead? But it was so pervasive, my desperate need for comfort being unfulfilled, in my lonely and tiring work hours.
I finally got the courage to go on Yahoo... one of them was there. He went into small-talk. My heart wasn't in it. My lifelong friend was there too at one point, asking when the funeral would be. I told her it had already happened several days ago. She said she was out of it because of her sleep schedule messing up, so she'd lost track of time. I looked back silently at how I had not let months of that same issue stop me from prioritizing my friends... but told her not to blame herself. Maybe some people just deal with insomnia worse than others, I dunno.
I was realizing around then, that I was becoming numb. That my need for my friends was fading away, and I was doing better in some ways. My brain had re-wired itself. After years upon years upon YEARS of desperately needing hugs, crying from sheer loneliness, snuggling plushies to fill the emptiness, clinging to online chat, absolutely living for yearly trips to conventions with my friends... and now these agonizingly long days of needing and needing them... after all that time of my intense social need being unfulfilled, my mind had closed off that need. It was causing me too much pain, and it would not be fulfilled anytime soon, so it was cut away so I wouldn't have to suffer from it anymore, and could now suffer from my Dad's loss instead.
I didn't want to be that way though; that was such an emo approach, something I had always been against, and it went against who I was: A very social person. Even though I had never gotten a chance to LIVE like a social person, to BE social... in my heart, I was one. I had just been deprived of my true self for so long, and it had become evident that it would remain that way. I didn't want to change that... but I HAD to, and there was no way I could force it back, because then I'd be in agony again. And my mind would cringe away from those efforts in reflex, as one cringes away from trying to put their hand into a fire.
That was the way things had to be, to keep getting my work done, to not give in to despair, to properly be there for my family. And so, that's how I've been.
One month later, and I still haven't had time to unpack my stuff. Have kept getting more work added on, have to dig through junk to find my paperwork, am still so slow at work due to trying to grieve the loss of dad AND my friends, AND my big dream for the future that I'd invested so much toward, in the form of time, money, and intense emotions.
And now I wonder... What am I to do now? I'm not allowed to be too angry at my 'friends' because their abandonment of me was most likely not malicious or purposeful, and yet the fact is that they hurt me, severely. The worst time of my life, and they weren't there for me. True friends are the ones who are there for you at those kinds of times... and now the only ones I have are in other countries, or far ends of this one. Unreachable all at once.
Some of my 'friends' were not necessarily at fault... A couple were busy graduating college, one of whom seems genuinely sorry and is not at fault at all, trying to talk to me but not knowing what to say at this point. The other hasn't even dropped me a single line, though I don't blame him, he's just too polite to tell me he actually hates me, and probably has hated me for the better part of a year (I'd wanted him to be honest about it but I suppose he'd rather drag this on silently than give me the truth...). One was sleep-deprived. One made a big attempt at redemption, even while he made himself the victim, and then he faded away. One did only small-talk, and did not contact me again when I let him know that I felt abandoned. Only one had the guts to finally call me, even if far too late, admitting he had no excuse. I respect him for that; it really took guts at that point, when he knew things were already so messed up. But now he's been silent as well.
I'm not sure anything can completely remove this second-pain, even while I'm aching in the first. My numbness toward my social need goes and comes back now, this month later. Because I want to truly acknowledge the few who truly do care about me, but then I shy back again when I think about the others. I've lost so many things that mattered the most to me. Dad, my friends, and my hopes and dreams. And aside from the rest of my family, I've never had much else. Not much else at all. Because I was passing up everything else just so I could sooner be with them...
What am I to do now? How am I 'allowed' to feel? I have to be hurt without anger, and it's eating me up from the inside. I'm trying to just live, to just cherish my remaining family, but I haven't yet had time to start feeling my own neglected emotions again... but will I be able to stand what will come to me when they return?
It's hard enough without getting to hear Dad's jokes and songs again, or him being able to tell me what year an old vehicle is just from glancing at it, or just plain receiving his vast knowledge of how the world works... And now it's without the support of people who have filled my every day for years out of what I thought was them caring.
I have a new boss now though; whether it was related to these events, I don't know, but she is very understanding, and I will have the next few weeks nearly-off (just easy small jobs), in which to try and rest, reflect, recover, and sort things out, both physically and mentally. I'll unpack my things, I'll organize them, I'll make myself eat more, I'll hopefully sleep more. I'll cherish the fact that I'm now in the same building with my kyoudai, no longer physically alone as I've been for so many years... and I'll cherish the true friends who truly did what they could for me, even if they're so far away.
I'll try to forgive those not at fault, but I can't make things easy to understand or deal with in that regard. I still don't know how I feel about some of them. It will have to depend more on them than me I guess, and I can't bet on them doing anything anymore. I'll just try to make a new life for myself, even if I'll never get that idealized image of a life where I can just go to a friend's house for games and movies...
I'll try my best to be happy anyway, Dad... I owe it to you, and I know you want us all to get through this. I can feel you in peace, and I'll try to use that for strength...
Posted on 2010.05.31 at 04:14
I beat her there because I was in the same city. They wouldn't let me see him as they needed room to work. I knew it was bad when a chaplain sat next to me in the waiting room. I was just shaking and bitterly snarled, “I wonder if they'll FINALLY try to actually treat what's been wrong with him all these years!? Is it time yet?!” I told him a bit about how good of a man Dad was... IS! How if he dies, maybe I can take it, but I don't know about Mom, they've been married for 30 years, Mom was only 18 at the time so all she knew was having him in her life...
By the time Mom got there, they had stopped after trying approximately half an hour. A massive blood-clot had lodged in his lungs, and he'd had multiple organ failure. There had been nothing that could be done at that point. With a body that could no longer take in oxygen, he just couldn't fight anymore.
I wasn't accepting it though... I kept feeling his chest, seeing if anything would happen. I whispered in his ear, over and over, for him to please come back. To not leave Mom and me and everybody. That it could still work because he was still warm. I begged and pleaded, crying in one short burst as I shook him. I felt a bit of movement in his abdomen. I got a nurse, but she told me it was due to drugs they'd administered to jump-start his heart; just residual reflex. I kept waiting and listening, but there were no steady beats. But that shadow of a doubt was hard to give up on... But then I remembered how so many of his organs had failed, how he would still be unable to breathe no matter what, how he had been in so much agony for so long... I cried once more, quietly this time, whispering to him apologies for being so selfish... that he could go ahead and rest, and not be in pain anymore.
And that was the last time I could cry that day and the next few.
But then I had to go and finish moving my things out of my apartment. While my Dad was still warm in the hospital, I had to get my things out because it was the deadline. I had to dust walls and scrub sinks and vacuum in sweltering heat while in trembling shock. My sister helped me so we could get it over with. I have no idea how she was handling it so well... she is always super-emotional about every little thing... this... I truly admire her. There are no words for how strong she has been through all of this, even given her periods of screaming and crying that everyone is entitled to for this... She is very, very strong.
Me, I couldn't cry. My chest hurt.
The chaplain was very good to us when we returned (and before we had left), very supportive and sincere. Friends of my parents had managed to come from afar to be with Mom. We all hugged everyone over and over. Everyone was crying, except for me. Dad was cold and yellow when the chaplain gave a touching eulogy and read a Bible verse for him, commending his spirit to Heaven. I still couldn't cry. I felt like my heart was literally breaking, I felt panic that I was going to die too, and cause everyone more pain.
This feeling continued, even at Mom's house, even at my new house, I still couldn't cry. I put what happened on Facebook, and got some sympathetic one-liners over time. I couldn't bring myself to electively talk about the loss; it was too intense, I felt it'd kill me. So I concentrated on supporting my family members. I was so exhausted from my bad health, the sleep issues, the move, and now this... And then, I had to work. Our boss (Mom and I both work for retail intelligence) did not get back to us about the news, and so I had to force myself to use what little strength I had to work, instead of dealing with all these sudden changes. I just felt the panic in my chest, the ache, my heartbeat uneven, so afraid I'd die, angry that I had to be distracted by that panic instead of getting to grieve for my dad, despairing at having to work instead of wrap my head around what had happened...
Posted on 2010.05.31 at 04:01
*sigh* Well, WAY too much has happened in my life to play catch-up on here anymore. Bullying landlord, being stuck breathing mold spores for two years, leaving me with chronic coughing and memory loss/confusion, being terribly lonely except the few times I went to cons, and even then often being lonely anyway...
I feel wrong to post a lot of what will be below... but I need to put it SOMEWHERE. And as impolite as it may sound, some people simply need to read it. Whether they will or not, I can't say... but the truth needs to be known.
I was stuck in clinical depression for so long, that my personality was hidden by fog, and I had to “act” like myself. I had to simulate my actual personality because it was buried so deeply, and I was trying my best to bring it to the surface again. It's not like I was pretending to be someone else... I was pretending to be myself, instead of my depressed and blank self.
It's hard to say if it ever worked or not. What I needed, to truly be ok, was to be with my friends. To be able to just call someone up, say “Hey, let's go bowling” or “LAN party at my place!” or just plain “Can I come over?” To physically just plain BE with people who cared about me as deeply as I cared about them. It wasn't a want, it was a human NEED which I have been deprived of for nearly all of my entire life.
I'm 27 years old, nearly 30, and I'm STILL waiting for my life to begin. Waiting to learn how to socialize properly, which I should have been allowed to learn when I was much younger, when mistakes were more forgivable and learning so much easier.
For most people, their biggest hopes and dreams are visions of grandeur. Becoming a millionaire, owning a ranch, publishing a bestseller, becoming a famous rock star, curing cancer. Me, my biggest dream was to save up enough to move up to Wisconsin where I could spend normal, casual time with my friends. That was my big goal in life. My motivation to keep going, and not give into my loneliness. I could only keep believing I could make it happen, keep saving up what little I could, until it was enough and my dream could finally come true.
I forsook most things I wanted, and even needed, so I could keep saving up what little was left after rent and food. I couldn't give up internet, because it was my only lifeline to my friends. I clung desperately to the dear, beloved text we shared, because it was all we had. Except for those magical times where I could spend time with everyone a few days out of the year, losing most of my savings over and over again, each time, just to fill my desperate need to be with them.
Text wasn't enough, but it was all we had most of the time. I would try to converse... but I had very little life to talk about. How do you go on about working, eating, and sleeping without it becoming complaints? So I would try to get them to talk more about their lives, the times they spent together that I could look forward to in the future, to fill the emptiness of my existence. Sometimes a few of them obliged, and I loved every moment, even if feeling a bit wistful. But then, most of them avoided me altogether, and eventually they all rarely said more than a greeting. But even just the chat window being open and them being “there”, I had to find joy in even that, because it was... all I had.
They all had my cell number, but for a while I was conservative about my minutes, as they were expensive. But over time, I managed to collect a lot, and I let everyone know they could phone away all they wanted. But, it remained silent. I did not know most of their work hours, and I did not want to bother them or wake them up, though I let them know I wouldn't mind at all if they called me anytime. Or texted me. But, my phone always remained silent, except for random sales calls or my boss or my Mom.
My family... They were always there for me. I love them dearly, all of them. My parents, my younger sister, my younger and older brother, my niece and nephews, my grandma, my brother-in-law. They were my only consistent source for hugs when I needed them, and face-to-face conversations. But, in that unconditional way, we were there for each other no matter what. Which is beautiful and wonderful. But, it was because we were family.
Every human, to feel worth, needs for at least one, perhaps several, other people who stick with them and like them out of their own free will. Someone who chooses to be with them, to enjoy happy times together, to get through hard times together, to help each other out. You feel you are truly worth something, when someone else makes it clear that you are worth something to them. That is the magic of friendship and love. Something that family cannot truly provide, no matter how supportive they are. That is why friends are so important, so vital, to being healthy in heart and soul.
I tried to make it clear, as often as I could, that my friends meant the world to me. Literally. I would let them vent their problems to me, offer comfort, understanding, advice (both in text, AND in person the few times I was able to visit). I would stick up for them, whether they witnessed it or not. I would confide in them, even if they could not give me the embraces I needed. I laughed with them, shared things I found with them, praise things they shared with me.
I told them how badly I needed to just plain BE with them, how they meant so much to me, how I was working SO hard to just be near them. I wanted them to know that they were more valuable than anything one could hold, and that I would fight for them, even die for them. They were precious, and I did my best to make them aware of it, so they could feel cherished and loved.
They did seem happy when I would be preparing to go up there for the small anime conventions we would share together, and they spoke to me fairly often before, so I figured I meant the same to them. Even when at the conventions most of them ignored me, bringing me to tears, I always forgave them. Even when some of them were oblivious to me when I was feeling sad or was in pain, I forgave them. When some of them only pointed out faults and not good-aspects of things I made, I forgave them.
After all, I know I'm severely flawed, and I know I've made so many mistakes with my words because I'm not good at using them for social situations due to lack of practice, and from being so fogged with depression and poor health... and they still seemed to forgive me.
Family members tend to accept flaws more readily, because they're together regardless. With my family, we were always brutally honest with each other, trying to help each other improve, so unfortunately I often talk to my friends that way as well. Because to me, they become like family. Partially because I rarely got to have a close bond outside of family, thus the honesty has become a habit. And partially... well, when you rarely get something, you want to nurture it as strongly as possible.
Since I was always a bit of a tomboy, I identified strongly with my Dad. He taught me many things, we'd hunt and fish together when he was in better shape, I'd eagerly listen to his stories about the old days. He was born in the '40s, so he was there through many segments of history.
We conversed about so many things, sometimes agreeing and sometimes disagreeing, but always respecting each other. I'd always listened to him as a kid, and when I was an adult I continued to. I always tried to make him happy, and at least when I was older, he acknowledged my efforts. Even when he couldn't be active anymore due to his bad back, we would watch tv together, talk, sing, listen to music. I made him coffee and he loved it.
When he was in bad pain, I would massage his neck or back. I even learned how to find pressure-points on him by sheer instinct, and was able to greatly ease his pain at times. I wanted to do more for him than I ever could. When he got more and more health problems, spending more time in the hospital, I visited him whenever I possibly could. He remained cheerful and optimistic in-between his times of despair. I always wanted to take his pain away completely, but never could. He ended up in hospitals more and more, getting therapy, being released way too early, getting put back in again, just being doped up with pain medications and nobody doing anything to find an alternative for the steroid dependency which was keeping him alive and killing him at the same time, not fixing his ailing lungs which barely sucked in enough oxygen to keep him going no matter how many machines he was hooked to...
And then, came an excruciating several months where my sleep schedule got completely erased. I could only get bare minimum one- or two-hour naps every few days, then would hibernate for up to 16 hours, back and forth. I was practically delirious, sick, always dizzy and confused, and constantly having to play catch-up with work, barely getting enough time to do it as it seemed I could only sleep when deadlines were approaching. I STILL found time to try to chat with my friends for a while, but they seemed to lose interest in me, and I had nothing I could say in my condition, so I eventually only showed up a few times a week, and then most times nobody was there, or they just said nothing past greeting if anything.
And in the midst of this, I'd followed Mom's insistence to turn in my 30 day notice for the apartment and get moving out to my sister and her boyfriend's new two-story house that we planned to share. This was wise because breathing all those mold spores were probably contributing, if not causing, my condition. But, now I was under time pressure, and between work and collapse, and exhaustion inbetween, I was finding it impossible to move my things out in any sort of timely manner.
Finally, my kyoudai (sis n bro-in-law) stepped in and did large chunks of it for me. With only a day or two to spare, we had gotten most things out... And then one morning I got a call from Mom saying that Dad was “in very bad shape” in the hospital, that they told her they were doing CPR on him and that she was on her way over there...
Posted on 2007.10.01 at 03:53
-Mom took over Charleston for me cuz she could get no other job. And it was killing me. My last week was utter hell. Trying to finish the way late huge undercover Category I'd gotten kicked out during, plus two Expandeds, plus MY two Expandeds, plus my local category and CPG. I wouldn't have been able to do it without Mom's help. I gave her money for gas since she drove me once, plus some extra despite her insisting I not; she transcribed so much of it, and even helped me collect a ton of stuff, so she earned it.
-My paycheck for that was very pretty. I took the parents out to eat a couple times since I'm in much better shape than they, and we had no other easy access to food at the time anyway and were all having stressful times. Plus I drained my food card getting them groceries cuz they had practically nothing. I can live on ramen for a while more, it's worth it.
-I was attempting to recover from that horrible horrible Charleston time, but that was slow due to being in the mode of not resting, and the family needing me so much so I had to keep watching the kids. Paul came over with me a couple times for a day and a night, once to get an X-Box 360 (He finally quit his BK job since he could afford the 360. That was his goal. Without a goal, no more workee. Oh well. His face was breaking out badly there, he didn't like that. He might get another job soon enough to pay for hi-speed which the family got with long-distance phone service for a good deal, finally, no more phonecards, I'd better stop this run-on sentence... I'm messed up @_@ ), one to get Halo 3. He played those at my house most of the time he was there. Being very quiet and considerate with the volume down.
-But oh, knocking on the door. Looked out peephole. It was covered by a thumb. I asked who it is, he said it was Bud (From this point on referred to as the Landlord). I asked him to uncover the peephole please before I confirmed it was him and opened the door. He said there were complaints of loud stomping noises. I said I hadn't heard anything. He asked my brother, who was using my computer, if he'd been stomping around. He said in a polite, calm tone, "No, I haven't." Landlord turned and snarled around the corner of the hall, "Hey! D'ja hear that?! He says he didn't do a GODDAMN THING!!!" This prompted the hiding downstairs neighbor to pop around the corner and start spewing various curses at us. Gee "Bud", thanks for making my brother look belligerent. After a whole big tirade from both men (during which we were both so shocked we didn't know what to do/say), Landlord concluded, "I don't ever wanna see yer face here again!" to my brother, and he slammed the door shut.
-We went back fam-home soon after that, under Paul's suggestion; he didn't want me in trouble. But then while later, came back with me, cuz the old guy had no right to say that. Seriously, it was all a shock. Guy was always way too friggin nice to me all this time, but now suddenly took the other guy's word for it that my brother was being noisy and didn't hear me out at all? Come on, that's fishy. If there was so much prevalent noise, the guy downstairs coulda come up and worked things out with me like a mature adult, not go bawling to the landlord. But the problem was that there WAS no noise. I figured maybe it COULD have been the water heater since it thumps a bunch when it turns on, turns off, fills, switches between modes... basically a lot. Sometimes loudly. But I got used to it.
-Phonecall came in, Landlord. "I thought I told you I don't wanna ever see that guy there again?! SOMEBODY SAW HIM GO IN THERE!!!"
I was like, "Well, he's family, I can have him visit if I want, especially since he did not make the noise we're accused of. How about hearing my--"
"I don't wanna hear it Sammy."
(Ugh, using such a pet-name for me with that angry tone...) "Well, if the neighbor saying my brother made noise would have just come up and knocked, we could have worked things out like responsible adults, and--"
"No, he did it right, you go straight to the landlord."
"But I'm trying to tell you, my brother wasn't--"
"Shut up! You get him outta there right now or I'll call the police and have him arrested for trespassing!"
"You can't do that. He's just visiting. If you're concerned that he's a freeloader I'd understand, that's a legitimate concer--"
"I don't give a DAMN about freeloaders! Your lease says you can't have ANYONE in, around, or near that apartment!"
"......But that's solitary confinement. And I know it doesn't say that. I'll show you my copy*--"
"It does say, and I'll be right over and show it to you!"
"Alright, I'll be he--"
Nice... So I was willing to wait for him to come down. But then Mom called on her cell, her car broke down up north on the way to my grandma's, she and Dad needed picked up. So I left two notes on my door. One saying why I couldn't be there when he got there (and quoting my copy of the lease at the part in question), and the other my 30 day notice.
It was time to GTFO.
-Few days later, I came back, and so did Paul. He didn't want to leave me alone there, frankly. We figured that if the Landlord (from now on referred to as Idiot) questioned anything, Paul would be helping me pack. Besides, I was GTFOing anyway, so who cares now. But the papers were still on the door. Either he didn't come yet, or pretended not to notice them. He wasn't there at the time. Sleep deprivation was catching up with me, so I went to bed while Paul jumped in the shower.
If there was any knocking, I don't know, I was deeply asleep and the shower was running and maybe the air conditioner which is loud as heck. But I woke with a start when a loud booming "SAMMY!" sounded from inside the living room! I blearily rounded the corner and jumped when I saw the Idiot standing there in the middle of my living room with his big bundle of keys!
~This was an old draft I never finished back from when it was started... It's now May of 2010, I might somewhat finish the details later, but basically, the idiot took my lease, made me cry, and I had to move out to a new tiny apartment. Which then had mold trouble. I got health problems. Ugh.~
* = Copy of the lease which he wasn't even going to give me in the first place like a landlord is supposed to. I only even got it a while after moving in due to the water company needing to see it. And it wasn't an actual copy, but a blank form like the other which he re-signed with the needed numbers and I put my signature on. There are differences. Sure wish I'd have known better but yeah, long story...
Posted on 2007.08.31 at 20:23
Current Mood: busy
Well... the minute transfer to my new phone didn't work. The lady had succeeded in deleting the minutes from my old phone, but not in putting them on my new one. I did think it was awful odd that she only had me enter codes into the old phone and not the new one. But I'd even asked her before ending the call if she really had everything she needed to make the transfer. And asked how long it'd take. She said up to an hour.
I tried calling the company back about it, but the automated thingie says the call volume is so high, they can't even put me on hold. O.O
Guess I'll have to do it tomorrow. And they better believe me that I had exactly 130 minutes left, because I did. Mom paid for a big batch of minutes a long time back as a gift, so they better return it.
...My progress is WAY too slow getting the rest of these UPCs in... It's taking me all day and yet I keep getting distracted. I can only be a constant working robot for so long. Especially when some small happy things have reanimated me somewhat.
Heh... I like how the old phone looks puzzled now. Minutes are called Units most times for Tracfone, and it uses decimals in cases of text messaging and stuff. So my old phone says right on the middle of the screen:
Edit: Yaaay, it just now happened after all. Took a while, but probably just from large volume and busy-ness. Fweeeee! I might not be able to make calls for up to two days I was told before, so no banana-phoning just yet.
I've set personalized ringtones for each of my friends. They most likely won't ever call me of course since we've got the internet (and they're considerate of my minutes. And I've like, never had my phone on often before since my old one sucked), but just knowing I can do that is... Fweee! X3
Posted on 2007.08.31 at 15:51
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: 小神あきら - 三十路岬 (Kogami Akira - Cape of Age 30)
Well, it happened. I got kicked out of Wal-Mart.
Charleston one, not the local one. In the local one they don't watch you like friggin hawks, but in Charleston, everyone's a potential terrorist or theif or murderer or something. They have to have actually been watching me on security cameras and zooming in on my paper or something, to know that I was really writing down upc's instead of checkmarking things off my grocery list. I'd been trying to use the recorder to finish up, but way too many people were around constantly. Even at 8pm. Usually there were far less people there at that time before... must be some kind of local occasion. Or was just my usual luck to screw me up since I was close to being done and simply MUST be thwarted. Because if I were to succeed and be on time, the world would collapse. I MUST be stopped!
*sigh* Anyway, Mary's not upset at all. She seems like her old self lately, sharp again, and very nice. She just told me to do the rest over the weekend when I go back there for my Expanded mission.
Meanwhile I needs to finish entering in all the stuff I've recorded and written till now. So exhausting. @_@ Gotta continue though, soon as I update my lj at least a little, since I'm feeling ever so slightly human right now. Partially from, last night, finding some great Lucky Star music that's just been released. ^_^
Mom told me a few days ago about a screen-printing company looking for an artist. That's... whoah. Totally my thing. Called though, only got a machine, left a quick rundown of my qualifications and my number for them to call me back, but nothing so far. I'll have to call again, but I'm so nervous. I know what I should say but know I'll mess up since I'm so long exhausted and out of it. But, I've gotta try. This could be my big chance. Though I'd suck for a long time cuz I haven't drawn in so long, and attempting exhausts me horribly. But, can't tell them that. I'll only take it if it's part-time though... I just couldn't stand full-time hours consistantly, unless they're relaxed enough in atmosphere that I can take some breaks or don't have to hurry too much with the work. Guess we'll see, once I make notes of what I should say and get the courage to do so.
Anyway, there's still some hope even if they don't take me... Mom still hasn't found a job, so she'll go ahead and rejoin my company! Meaning we can split the work or she can take over Charleston! :D
I don't think it'll be in time for her to help with the Expanded, so I'm still gonna come just short of dying from it, but afterward, my regular work will seem like absolutely nothing by comparisson. Yaaay for hope. ^_^
Also, some of yesterday, and still much of today, I’m all asquee over my new cell phone! XD
Tracfone is switching from analogue to digital, so my old giant heavy clunky fossil of a phone will no longer work (not that it worked much anyway). So as good business practice, they informed us customers, and if we signed up within the few days time limit, we’d be sent a new replacement phone! And I did! So they did! (Not sure if I mentioned that before... but even if I did, leaving it in, to show just how bad my memory has become @_@ )
It’s so TINY!!! XD It’ll take sooo much getting used to! I’m used to a phone being… well… the size of a phone. It feels so weird not to have a mouthpiece against my jaw.
It has a nice shiny screen with all kinds of colors instead of black on green square-edged stuff. It has games, calculator, flashlight, some wallpapers, voice command capability, long call-log capability, large phone book capacity, and even keeps time and date and can be an alarm clock. Yes, that’s not much compared to most folks’ phones nowadays. My excitement would raise a lot of eyebrows. But considering what I’m used to having, this is the ultimate in being spoiled! X3
I just never dreamed I’d get to own something so sleek and modern. Figured I was doomed to keeping the fossil, or having nothing at all, or having to waste a buncha money on something fancy that I’d always feel guilty about using. But this was given to me as merely an upgrade to my old one. Definitely has me cheered way up. ^____^ I just can’t believe it!
And I can actually navigate the friggin menu unlike the old one! Yaaay!
Now just gotta wait for my minutes and get my old buddy numbers transferred over and test out how well it does its true function: Calling.
This was a real nightmare to set up today though. A reeeaaaal nightmare. Here’s how it went: I called as the instructions said, pressed the option shortcuts to get to the proper department, and was told my wait time would be approximately 15 minutes. I figured no problem, probably tons of other folks like me trying to get their phones switched over. With that in mind, I figured the folks taking the calls would have been thoroughly briefed on how to handle it, and by the time they’d get to me, would have taken so many of these calls that they’d have it all memorized and be sick and tired of saying the same things. ^_^()
Well, about the prophesied 15 minutes later…
Probably Pablo: (very quiet, can barely be heard over buzzing) Thank. You. For. Call. Ing. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah?
Me: (hearing my own echo fifty times louder than the dude) Um, I’ve received the phone upgrade and would like to transfer my old phone number and minutes to my new phone.
Perhaps Juan: ………………………………………………
……………………….What. Do. You want?
Me: I want to transfer my old number and minutes to my new phone.
Maybe Carlos: ………………………………………………
……………………………………..You want. To buy. Minutes for your phone?
Me: No… Tracfone is updating their service, so my old phone won’t work soon, so they sent me a new phone. I want to transfer my minutes and old number to my new one.
Possibly Jorgé: Oh! Ok! Alright. Good. Ok. ……………......
Hombre: Can you… be on hold. For one minute. I will talk. To my supervisor.
Me: ….Sure. -_-
(a while later)
Hombre: (too quiet to hear except a word here and there for a big long meandering paragraph)
Me: (interrupting) Excuse me, I can hardly hear you.
Hombre: Alright. Give to me. Your. Serial number?
Me: For my old phone or my new one?
Hombre: ……………………………………………..One moment.
(talking in the background) ……………………New phone.
Hombre: Ok…………… Umm…………
(Long process of him meandering a bit, often asking people behind him what to do, going back and forth between old and new phone information, and it being revealed that I can’t have my old area code so I’m given a new number in my new area.)
Hombre: Ok….. Now, you will be. Putting in numbers. For codes.
Me: (Immediately going through the menu to the code entry mode so he doesn’t have to explain the steps of getting there) So you need me in Code Entry Mode? I’m already there, I’m ready for the code.
Hombre: Ok, you push. The Menu button. Or if on your screen. It says Menu. Push the button. Below Menu. And then… (blah blah Options, blah blah Prepay, blah blah scroll down blah blah, the whole process on getting to code entry mode -_- )
Me: ………..Ok. I’m ready.
Hombre: (gives me code numbers, lots and lots and LOTS of code numbers. Then at one point in the middle of it without warning, line goes dead.)
Me: ……Hello? Hello?
Hombre: (long after I should have given up) Ok, sorry for the. Inconvenience. I was checking. Something.
Me: *phew* Ok, we were at number ###.
Hombre: Ok, we will start. The code over.
(Long time and lots of numbers later… I’m serious, like, LOTS of numbers)
Hombre: Ok. So now. You will have. 10 bonus minutes. On your new phone.
Me: …….Alright. But what about my remaining minutes from my old phone?
……………………………………What do you. Mean?
Me: What about transferring my old minutes to my new phone?
……………………….One moment. Be on hold. I will talk to my supervisor. Is that ok Ma’am?
(It’s on hold again, with the automated voices interrupting each other at uneven volumes. After a few seconds, someone else picks up.)
Person (Gender uncertain, sounds middle-age or older, possibly light Polish or Romanian or Russian accent) H e l l o o o o ……. t h a a a a n k… y o o o u u u …. f o r r r …… h o o o ol d i i i n g ….. (you get the idea… I can’t keep typing like that… just know that the person was very very VERY slow-speaking in a really easy-going, out-of-it way…. like they’re high or senile o.o ) ….What can I ….heeelp youuu wiiith?
Me: Uhh… I was just talking to a gentleman who was helping me transfer my minutes from my old tracfone to my new one, and he put me on hold and said he was going to talk to his supervisor.
Slo-Mo: Weeell… I will heeelp youuuu… with thaaat…. just give me ooone secoooond… to make some nooootes…. for my peeersonal uuuuse……………………………………………
………..Juuuust oooone secoooond…………….
……..(I start timing)
Slo-Mo: (four minutes and 14 seconds after I started timing, estimated seven minutes after she first told me to wait one second) ……….Just oooone moooore secoooond…..
Slo-Mo: (two more minutes and lots of “one more second”s later) Alriiiight….. I goooot it….. Ooookaaay….. Noooow….. Can you giiiive meeeee….. the phoooone’s seeerial nuuuumber?
Me: The old one or the new one?
Slo-Mo: …………Ooooh…………. The ooooold ooooone.
Me: *gives it*
Slo-Mo: ………*repeats it back veeeery slooooowly* Is that riiiiiight?
Me: Yes, that’s right.
Slo-Mo: ……Alriiiiiiight……. So nooooow……….. (asks for phone numbers, old and new, I give them to her. All of this going very VERY slowly compared to how it should have)
Slo-Mo: ………..Ooookaaay………. And I have your seeeerial nuuuumber aaaas…….. *reads all 11 digits back to me, again, very slowly* Is this riiiight?
Me: Yes, that’s right.
Slo-Mo: ………..Alriiiiight….. Can you giiiive meeee……. Your oooold phone’s serial numberrrrr?
Me: …..You just read it to me. You have it.
Me: *trying not to bang the phone into my head*
Slo-Mo: ………..Now………. We’ll be putting in coooodes………..
Me: Alright. I already know how to get into the code entry mode. I’m already there.
Slo-Mo: ……You’re already theeere?
Slo-Mo: Alriiiiiiight………… Heeeere’s theee*silence*
Me: ………Hello? … Hello?
(Time passes. Then there’s a click, and the hang-up tone)
Me: ……….Damn it!
I suspect that maybe someone in charge heard how bad it was going and put me out of my misery? Although that in turn gave me even more misery? Or s/he just was so high that s/he hit the wrong button? I dunno….
So, I had to call again, go through the menu again, and be on hold for around 10 minutes this time.
This time, I got a lady, not sure what her accent was truth be told, but she spoke pretty well and of normal tempo. I summarized the situation about the interrupted transfer. And she got right down to business, knew what to ask for, entered it in quickly, verified it quickly, and gave me the codes I needed for the phone concisely. The whole thing with her took only 6 and a half minutes.
So, if all goes well, the minutes should show up in about an hour. (Keeping my fingers crossed.) Before ending the call, I took a moment to tell her that the other folks I’d been bounced between took a very long time, and that I appreciate that she knew what she was doing and did a good job. She didn’t seem sure how to take such praise, just giving me an “…Ok ma’am, thank you.” before we parted ways.
Hope this works! That whole ordeal lasted 1 hour and 21 minutes according to my landline phone’s timer. I do NOT want to go through all that again. @_@
Posted on 2007.08.29 at 23:30
Current Mood: blank
*sigh* Too much work, absolutely no time. I keep getting behind on this journal. It just takes too much energy to even care about events enough to write about them, let alone write about them. @_@
Work work work work, exhaustion, not being able to sleep at night so forcing myself to still wake up early to get work done but just being more exhausted and still unable to sleep at night. I'm way behind. I would have been done today, but everything kept going wrong.
Traffic jams out the wazoo, hidden restaurants, messed up detours, loud people, loud speakers, stockers (known to me as stalkers), nosebleeds, extremely slow restaurant people, extremely slow checkout lines, my voice giving out from reading off UPCs and prices all day... and my voice recorder running out of space somewhere in there, making perhaps 45 minutes or more of my work completely futile. That's hundreds of items.
I'm too tired to feel despaired about it though. Just gonna hang out for a while on chat... or should I? I don't have anything to talk about without angsting, which I don't wanna do and takes too much energy, and I've gotten so out of touch with everyone over so long that it's hard for them to converse with me anyway... -_-
I guess just in case I'll just log in for a little while. It's all the social life I get.
P.S. - Forgot, yes, my eating is fine now. I wanted to eat one of everything in the world when I got better. Think that was last Wednesday? Maybe earlier? I dunno, I forget, the whole summer's gone by without a shred of enjoying it.
Posted on 2007.08.20 at 14:43
Current Mood: listless
Man I'm hungry. Man the thought of eating makes me dry-heave.
Even nice cool water or juice makes my throat burn from the acid coming up after each swallow.
And I couldn't sleep last night, till morning, so I'm losing still more work time.
And I'm waiting now for my parents to show up cuz they're bringing knowledge and transmission fluid cuz I think my car must be low cuz it keeps having trouble at stop signs/lights. If I stop for a while, then try to go, it revs without going anywhere then suddenly jerks into motion. Or once in a while starts rolling backwards like it's in neutral and I gotta quickly jump on the brake so I don't hit the car behind me. @_@
I do need to take Panther to a mechanic anyway, so many little things wrong that might eventually get serious. But I dunno how my money's gonna be for a while; they overpaid me for my Kentucky job so now they'll be taking it out of my next several paychecks. I made the lady who informed me give me an exact sum so I can make sure they don't take more than they're supposed to. This'll be a headache. @_@
Heh, my darn whore cat is having her second litter. Once more, she tried to signal my dad to come with her, meowing and nuzzling and shoving, and even biting him once. Once more he went and got Mom instead of figuring out that she wanted followed. And Mom followed her to the box in my old room where she almost immediately popped out a kitten. :P
I'll go visit Wednesday or Thursday, whenever my darn work's done. Gotta see the little buggers.
Posted on 2007.08.19 at 23:22
Current Location: Hungary? Ha ha ha... :|
Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: KoRn - Evolution
I keep lagging behind on my attempts to get ahead this week; I'm still so exhausted so I don't have the energy to accomplish much. And what really sucks is that I keep not being able to eat.
This has happened once in a while before, but it's become especially prolonged and pronounced now; been about four days I think. I know my stomach's empty, I feel weak and empty. But the thought of any food makes me sick. Not true nausea, just a constant low burn of acid in my throat (but only if I actually pay attention to it), and a signal that if I put anything with significant flavor or texture in my mouth, I WILL puke. Even just a flavored drink or bread (though oddly enough I seem to tolerate pop just fine. Even the caffeine doesn't bother my empty stomach much. Weird). I tried imagining various foods to see if there were any that didn't cause the gag-reflex to lock and load, but couldn't come up with anything.
The only way I finally force myself to eat is to completely ignore the fact that I'm eating, absorbing in a tv show or reading a manga. And then I can only tolerate five to eight swallows before my stomach starts roiling and squirming and my throat tries to expel any more.
It's really ticking me off. It keeps delaying me and making things worse. I first tried waiting to see if I finally get hungry enough to eat all this stuff I have here at home, but hours pass and nothing. I KNOW I'll be starving while I work and then I can't concentrate, and I don't wanna waste money eating out. But time goes and goes, I can't eat. So I finally cave in and work. Half an hour in, I feel overcome with starvation. I get a little something at the deli or McD's. Five to eight bites, no more, and barely able to keep it down.
I dunno what's up here. It's annoying as heck and can't be too healthy. I bought some Dannon Activia yogurt, supposed to help regulate your digestive system. I've had it once before, few months ago, and it did help other gastrointestinal problems I have on and off, so hopefully it can pull me through this too.
If I can keep it down, that is... @_@
With as much work as I have left to do, and the fact that this is making me have to lump everything together at the end AGAIN.... Gah! Can't I have one single week where I can get this crap done early instead of it ALWAYS being right up to the last minute or past?! Just once?! Grrrr. ~_~
Posted on 2007.08.17 at 06:00
Yaaaay, the primary Enter button broke on the handheld. Good thing there's an extra but it's harder to use due to habit. I'll have to report it and see what can be done. @_@
Just got done, just in time for it to qualify as the "Friday morning" Mary allowed me. I hope I manage to get sleepy once I verify my transmission. Guess we'll see.
Posted on 2007.08.17 at 05:01
Current Mood: exhausted
Grrr, handheld ran out of batteries. No fair, it gets to go on the charger, while I have to keep going and going despite my batteries being long dead. And heck, now I have to remain awake even longer waiting on the darn thing.
Might as well catch up a bit while I'm waiting. It would have been a relatively easy week all things considered, at least compared to this coming week most likely. But, I had several questions, both on my local job, and on the ones in Charleston. I sent Mary-boss an email on Monday, then left two voicemails Tuesday. Wednesday rolled around, and I called her again. This time I got her. And she claimed she hadn't gotten any of those communication attempts. Uh huh... That concerned me. Anyway, I FINALLY got the answers I needed so I could transmit my completed local work, and go do Charleston.
I messed up on my local one though, forgot to fill in the job number, so I called it in and they fixed it. I also had to ask for an extension for Charleston, which she'd offered in the first place anyway. Only now I looked at the schedule and I was supposed to have till Thursday anyway. Wish that'd been pointed out ahead of time, then I'd have felt less stressed.
And later Mary left me an email saying that she actually did get the voice mails but hadn't gotten around to checking them at the time. Uhhh... Nice, thanks. It's the wording that kind of upset me. She made it seem like it was my fault. Hard to explain and I don't feel very nice to quote her. It's not a big enough deal to anyway, but it still bothers me some.
Anyways... there are upsides and downsides to using a voice recorder to do undercover category audits (where I have to record all UPCs of all items within assigned categories; Authentic Mexican, Milk By-Products, Frozen Dinners, etc, and the prices). Less strain on my neck than writing, and more casual looking. Quicker to do if you're not crowded. However, it takes extra time and writing to transcribe it all onto paper. Plus, the loudspeaker going off drowns you out so you frequently have to wait it out. And boy was it going off a lot. Plus when people crowd around, both associates and customers, you have to hush and pretend that your muttering is about high sodium or something.
Either way, undercover categories are a headache. It's taking me so many hours to get all this entered into the handheld. All the numbers blur together after a while. @_@ My neck and back are utterly murdering me.
Speaking of murder, Charleston = homicidal maniac town. Their Wal-Mart is dangerous in terms of cart collisions waiting to happen. I saw the nice wide open aisles, compared to my local Mooly's claustrophobic squeeze chambers, and thought "Yaaay! People can now go around me, I won't feel so rushed, and everyone can stroll around nice and easy." Not so. They don't realize how good they have it and abuse the space horribly. They still manage to crowd against the laws of physics even though there aren't excessive numbers of people. And they randomly swerve in unpredictable diagonal directions. They fly around blind corners at odd angles with their heavy carts. It's just a stressful case of them taking their open space for granted.
And the traffic...... Man did they want me dead or dented. On the streets and the freeways, they love to pretend you're not there and start getting into my lane, prompting me to swerve away and honk them into awareness. And even if I'm speeding, they crowd me, trying to intimidate me into getting out of the way or going even faster. Squeezing between me and another vehicle forcing me to slam on my brakes. And this isn't even a city-type city area! It's pretty rural and linear in the areas I go. I could understand this kinda crap in NYC or Baltimore or something, but this is rediculous.
It made me feel very mortal the other night. ^_^;; At least this latest trip went much better so that's pretty much gone away. But I'll always be careful, and I truly hope that they find a replacement soon. I don't like Charleston. I really really don't. And considering how a mere category audit is completely draining me, this upcoming VPS/FMV is really gonna do me in. And I've got no recovery time either; I'm starting my local Mooly later today after I catch a snooze. Supposing I CAN sleep now; I've done the usual crap where I had to push myself to the point of entering Survival Mode again. So I'm no longer sleepy. Once I'm like this, it's hard for me to get any sort of rest. Blah.
I talked to Mom on the phone. Paul of course quit his job, kind of figured, it apparently was very confusing and still had a ton of evaluation things that made no sense to him. I still applaud him for even trying.
*sigh* Hopefully eventually things'll calm down enough for me to include some more mundane life-type-things in this journal. I've grown so accustomed to constant strings of train-wrecks, that I hardly pay attention to everyday little events. It's just too exhausting to pay attention, and they feel not worth my time to recount the few times I do. Just the usual consequence of working way too long for not enough money, no time to recover let alone have a life. And it makes me sound all depressed and crap. Emo emo emo. :P
Well, hopefully the handheld is charged enough for me to finish. Better hurry cuz the office opens in half an hour.
Posted on 2007.08.17 at 00:02
........Why am I only tired at night, when I have to stay up most of said night finishing up work?
Any other night when I COULD sleep, I CAN'T. And now I need it soooooo bad but have hours of manually entering in all the UPCs I've been transcribing from my voice recordings, into the handheld. @_@
I might have to cave in and nap. But usually I'm extra tired after naps..... Blaaaaah!
Caving in. Two-hour nap. @_@ And I won't be able to sleep again for at least two days as consequence. :P
Edit: ......Ok so if I'm working I'm falling asleep with the scanner in my hand. But I lay down, and for an hour straight all I can think about is working and I absolutely can't sleep. Nice... *gets back to work* ~_~
Posted on 2007.08.16 at 12:23
Blargh, I keep being too exhausted or busy to update my journal. I'll replace this with a real entry tonight or tomorrow. Supposing I'm not killed by the crazy Charleston drivers. :P Well seriously, yesterday made me feel very vulnerable over there. @_@ At least I got a workdate extension to finish up; it's been tougher than I thought. Gotta go get done.
Edit: I'm back safe, yay, wasn't as dangerous today since I didn't have to go through as much of the city. So I'm fine. Just gotta transcribe and enter in all the data, then transmit it. Then it's bed time for me if I still feel this tired.
Edit again: Ehhh.... I said I'd edit this but I made new posts so I'll just leave it. :P
Posted on 2007.08.12 at 22:40
Current Location: back at apartment
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Tom Petty - "Runaway Train"
Blah, what began as a one day, one night visit to my parents ended up being several days. My sleep schedule was so fudged from the workweek that I kept falling asleep when I ought to have been going back, and whenever I was awake there was too much going on to abandon. Dad's doing real good heart-wise by the way, but has some kind of bad cough causing him to end up throwing up a bunch from sheer amounts of coughing. He's got an appointment sometime this week to check on that.
My younger bro Paul was scooped up by a telemarketing company and had orientation the very day after he applied. Whoah. Considering he's the kinda person who needs a lot of warning for change, time to mull it over n stuff, I'm impressed that he went to it despite feeling really nervous. He frustrates easily, and is heavily anti-social, so for him this is a HUGE leap, and with so little warning. Yet, he went through with it. I'm very proud of him. He'd find it too mushy for me to let him know openly but I definitely made it obvious enough before and afterward. I couldn't help but go with Mom when she dropped him off, picked him up (and for the initial applying the day before), etc. Dunno how long he'll stick with it if at all though. But, the fact that he took the plunge is a huge step for him.
Tried to finally come back Saturday night, but the road was blocked just before the expressway. Waited and waited. Nothing was giving. I could see some lights ahead, looked like a tow-truck. Nothing nothing nothing. Finally looked to my left, saw a stone driveway, and used it to turn around and go back. Screw it, I was tired anyway (at night for the first time in ages), and I had a mini-bucket of Ben & Jerry's "Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream" melting on the passenger seat. Good stuff, a little too sugary but yummy and has addictive texture. So yeah, I went back, put that in the freezer, and went to bed. Surprised the folks in the morning cuz they'd seen me off and everything. ^_^;;
Tomorrow I'm gonna do my local work, then Tues n Weds I'm gonna do Charleston. Gonna be all new n scary with the category audits and the Perishable list, but I'll do it of course. At least today I got to relax; my body finally realized it needs to recover and tried to. Just hope I can pull back out of this mode to get my work done. ^_^;;
Now, if my neck'll ease up just a tad, I'll be off to bed.
Posted on 2007.08.06 at 23:30
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Hamasaki Ayumi - Moments
My progress is procrastinating. Gonna be another last-minute cram week. Blargh. Laws of physics still hate me. Double blargh.
Felt a little better today though. Especially when I for some reason just couldn't go on anymore at halfway-through Giant Eagle and just decided to go home. And happened to have my car approached by a hunch-backed old lady asking if I could give her a ride down to her home. I knew she'd definitely be of no harm to me so I agreed. Poor lady has to walk several miles every day if someone doesn't give her a ride, and apparently the cops keep giving her a hard time. Sheesh. At least tonight I got to give her a lift. Felt nice to help someone out, and have a few minutes of company.
Off to bed now, if I can finally sleep at a sane time.
Posted on 2007.08.06 at 03:11
Ok..... Not asleep yet; I remembered that I had books overdue at the library and so brought them back. No wonder I keep getting late fees; the darn things got stuck in the book return AGAIN. Had to find a stick to poke 'em down.
And now I might be too Survival Mode again to sleep. I'll try though.
Posted on 2007.08.05 at 23:29
Nobody knows who's doing what at work, thus I don't know what I'm doing either. I was supposed to do this one expanded job but then after I did it I wasn't supposed to. I dunno. More on that when I'm not so exhausted and in the middle of my regular expanded. Which I'm not getting progress on because I keep having too much pain to sleep at night, and when I'm awake I keep having emotional breakdowns, and now my dad's in the hospital after another cardiac episode. He's feeling better now, but they're gonna do testing on him in Columbus Monday to see what happened exactly. Visited him today instead of working. Tried to work but ended up only doing like 130 items, too exhausted, headed home, had another screaming crying breakdown in the car, was tempted to drive into oncoming traffic or the guardrail until I once more resumed the robot persona that I have to be in order to keep going. Yay. I'm either full blast or completely off. Not good to bottle things up but what more can I do? I can't make it if I'm 'human' all the time. I just can't take it.
Going to bed. Maybe I won't hurt too much tonight and can finally get some rest.
Posted on 2007.07.31 at 15:12
Current Mood: miserable
*sigh* ... I'm in so much pain and misery right now. Not something I like to just out and say without trying to perform a silly little smile or crack a joke. My neck is doing that thing again, every single heartbeat brings a pulse of agony through my neck, where it compounds into my head and nearly blinds me. Green and blue stars keep swirling in my vision. And my sinuses are so pressurized (methinks that's a lot to do with this), that I have to breathe out of my mouth half the time, which is causing my throat to get sore.
And no Sqiky, I did NOT catch your illness, the symptoms are different, so there. :P
Anyway... I have to go work though... CPG check is due today. Jeez I don't feel like it. Thank goodness it's not a full check yet. I dunno if I'm even safe to drive... But I have to anyway. -_-
Can't really risk getting sinus medicine with my budget; that crap has never worked for me before. My clog is permanent most likely, probably a fluid pocket or something caused by when my nose broke over a decade ago. I wonder why none of the doctors ever did something about it when I told 'em I can never friggin breathe. Hmmm.... Oh yeah, that's cuz they sucked.
Might at least get some Ricola for my throat. And I need more moisturizing soap; only realized how well that stuff worked when I had to go back to regular. At least I got coupons for my favorite brand (Irish Spring... well, second favorite to the all natural pine-tar stuff Sqiky uses that I have no access to around here) from critiquing their company's deodorant. Yay for feedback rewards!
Anyway... more painpill time... they've been good for about two hours only through this, but I HAVE to get slightly functional or no work is getting done...
Aaaand it went from "you decide" to "you ARE doing it" about me taking over for Terri's area deeper into WV... Four expandeds, one in a store chain I've never even walked into before, every four weeks... this is gonna be hell. I hope they manage to find a new hire soon. Kentucky? Fogetaboutit.
Training most likely tomorrow or Thursday or something, so I can at least find out more about this weird stuff... wee...
Off to work.
Posted on 2007.07.28 at 15:56
Current Mood: exhausted
Yay, back from Otakon, and spending time with Sqiky and Annette. Now recovering a little, but among uncertainty concerning jobs cuz now I'm wanted to completely take over for Terri's area as well as my own as WELL as the out of state stuff but I dunno about all that... and I dunno how much the bosses communicate with each other, and Hilda might have wanted me to be in the other state by now, I'm not sure how things were arranged in the end... And I've got a training session possibly next Wednesday on a new job type... ARGH!!!
Once more I'm too exhausted to really even write. I'll have to catch y'all up later.
Posted on 2007.07.16 at 23:55
Aaaaand now my boss wants me to do ANOTHER extra job, this one at least still in this state but still kinda far, wants me to do this maybe next week though her language was a little hard to follow....... So now I have no idea what I'm doing when or where. @_@
Annette, if ya read this and I'm not online n stuffs, please leave me an offline message or sumfin to lemme know what we're doing about picking up/dropping off Whick n stuffs. I wanna be more sure about SOMETHING. ^_^;;
Update: I was right to wonder about how Mary presented the week she wanted the extra job done; it's week after next actually. Which means I'm having to shuffle the other Expanded jobs around a little later. Still waiting to see if that move is being approved. In a way this is good; I'll get a little more time to recover after Otakon, and more time to spend with Sqiky.
The bad part will be that I'd be doing three Expandeds one immediately after another, with long driving trips as the only 'break' inbetween. I'll wait till it's finalized to form an opinion on it.
Error running style:
S2TIMEOUT: Timeout: 4, URL: zacloud.livejournal.com/ at /home/lj/src/s2/S2.pm line 532.